these emotions are building up so badly, i honestly feel fine when im alone. i though i was back to the norm, happy and dandy with my 'fuck off im jade deal with it' attitude. but even in the day when im alright on the outside, i've been faced with haunting dreams that leave me staring at the ceiling and fresh tears on my face.
so what the fuck was i playing around here?
was my happiness all the make believe play for some unresolved built up and pent up emotions?
and now i can just see that, my life is boring and mediocre...even after 3 years of believing that i played my life card all swell and dandy...i'm still going to be alone, lost and messed up without an outlet to just ask my questions of
"why?"
"why?"
"why?"
yep this is just another sad sad moment in my life for me i guess...can't believe that i had that ever had such a sad dream of my grandad apparently being dead and when i walked through the door to ask my dad about where my grandad was...they told me
"oh he died, didn't you know?"
and then it turned to an angry hot flash of rage that made me wake up both crying and wanting to just call my family to check up but i know that i don't even have anyone in my own family who would pick up my phone calls. cause in all honesty...i would be dead and no one would know till they call me. thus the question about my importance in life, i mean everyone could say the same but its just kind of sad when they do want to say
"it's not bad, their worse things that could happen in your life"
that love,
that amore, cinta, ai and all that bullcrap that families are meant to have with at least with someone in that family is so overrated and just not there anymore...
its always just going to be you vs. the world, that's the truth so stuff it and just hit the bottles of booze. i proberly need to re-evaluate myself, but its okay i'm used to it. just venting it out this way is best enough for me...
the end for me now folks, no worries im alive still =)
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